Things Envy Is Not Allowed To Do In The Military
by Sin Of Tragedy
Summary: Envy decides to join the military. Being the one to not follow rules, he does as many things as he can to see what he can and can't do! Sadly, Edward gets dragged along with him. Based on '213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Military!
1. Rule One

**Disclaimers: **I do not own FMA, or these rules.

**Thanks To:  
**Skippy - You are sooo funny, and your list makes me want to join the military and do everything on your list (of course, it wouldn't be the same because I'm a woman.) XD  
Sin Of Regret - My lovely Beta! -heart-  
DN-Lover - For reading all my fanfics, being a great friend, and for showing me Skippy's List XD

**A/N:** After DN-Lover showed me Skippy's List ( which can be found here:( skippys list . com / list / ) Without spaces, of course) We talked, and I told her how I could picture Envy doing everything on the list. So, I decided to write my own one-shot thing on each rule, and she did, too! (Go check her's out, as well!) I don't think I will do all 213 Rules, but close enough XD.

Don't forget to Review!

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**Rule Number 1**

**Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.**

"Envy, what are you doing?"

The violet eyes of said person lit up at the sound of the voice, and he smiled slyly at the golden eyed boy. "Why Chibi-san, I'm watching Southpark - can't you tell?" With that said, Envy returned his attention to the small, portable television on the make-shift table in front of him.

Edward remained behind him, curious as to what his fellow military officer was watching. Within ten minutes of the show, one of the elementary kids was killed. A thin, golden brow raised as Envy mumbled a few cursed words. "What's wrong?"

"They killed Kenny! The Bastards killed Kenny, again!" the sin snapped angrily before sighing. The boy behind him rolled his eyes. "Oh well...he dies in just about every episode, so I'll get over it..."

Suddenly, someone cleared their throat. Envy chose to ignore it, but Edward thought better, and quickly fled the scene. After a few seconds, the same person cleared the throat once more; this time, walking over and standing right in front of the television.

The green-haired male quickly frowned. "Uh...hello? I'm trying to watch my show. I'd like it if you moved over." When the person didn't move, Envy growled and looked into their face. Violet eyes met with onyx, and he couldn't help but smirk. "Oh, it's _you_! Come to join me, Colonel Mustang?"

Roy felt his eye twitch in annoyance. "No! Turn off that television at once, Specialist Envy, and get back to your duties!" Mustang moved his right hand into view, holding out a plunger he expected the sin to take.

Envy pouted, but got up and took the plunger as ordered, but not without a small chuckle. "Heh, you said duties!"

"NOW, ENVY!!" the Colonel yelled, making the Specialist 'eep' and scurry off.


	2. Rule Two

**Disclaimers:** I do not own FMA, or these rules. I do own this story, though -giggles-

**Thanks To:  
**Skippy - You are sooo funny, and your list makes me want to join the military and do everything on your list (of course, it wouldn't be the same because I'm a woman.) XD  
DN-Lover - Without you showing me the list, this fic wouldn't be alive :O  
QuitexSoul - ASAP enough? XD

**A/N:** So..I don't think I've explained this, each bold sentence after every rule number is what Envy wrote down in his 'Things I'm No Longer Allowed To Do In THe Millitary' book/diary thing he has. XD

Don't forget to Review!

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**Rule Number Two **

**My proper military title is "Specialist Envy" not "Princess Anastasia".**

"Uhm...What is he...doing?" Edward asked turning to look up at his commander.

After watching the insane person in front of them for a moment longer, Roy sighed and shook his head. "I really don't know." The two just happened to walk in on Envy as he waltzed around the room with an imaginary person. A single light shined down on him, making the small tiara on his head shine brightly.

With another twist and a curtsy, the sin said softy, "Once..Upon a December..." With a light chuckle, he rose up and finally took notice of the two other bodies in the room. Grinning warmly, he glided over to them. "Hello you two! I am Anastasia! Princess of Russia!"

Edward blinked in confusion. "...I...you...thought...she's...what?"

"Stop fooling around, Envy! Military work is a serious manner! Your proper military title is 'Specialist Envy', not 'Princess Anastasia!'" Roy scolded, clenching his hands into tight fists as onyx eyes glared at the silly face smiling up at him. He was told that how-ever much his subordinates managed to tick him off, he was not allowed to hit any of them.

The sin gave a pout, but pointed at his tiara. "But...I _am_ a princess! See? I even have a tiara!" Envy whined. "Only princesses can wear tiaras and look this fabulous!"

Roy stared down blankly at the crazed member of the military, but quickly snapped out of it. "No! Now, to your quarters and scrub those floors clean," he paused to take out something out of his back pocket, "and you are to use this to do so!"

The strange Specialist took the bush and stared at it with a raised eyebrow. "...A toothbrush?"

Roy smirked. "Not just _any_ toothbrush, but _your_ toothbrush!"

Envy's face turned into a mixture of disgust and pure hate for his commander.

"It will take all day, Specialist Envy, so I suggest you get to it!"

"Do I have to?"

"Be glad I don't have you scrub the toilets with that!"

Seeing no way out of it, Envy sighed and slouched on his way to his sleeping post. Edward wouldn't help but snicker at his friend as he stood next to Roy.

Noticing this, the commander smirked. "Ah, you're not out of this, yet, Major Elric! Don't think I didn't catch you watching Southpark the other day with Specialist Envy!" Colonel Mustang began to chuckle evilly as he pulled out Edward's toothbrush and handed it to him.

Edward gaged at the thought of using his own brush where people walked (and other things he did not want to know of). "...Before I go, may I ask, Colonel, why you carry around people's toothbrushes?"

"There is no time for questions, Fullmetal! Get to work!"


	3. Rule Three

**Disclaimers:** I do not own FMA, or these rules. I do own this story, though -giggles-

**Thanks To:**  
Skippy - You are sooo funny, and your list makes me want to join the military and do everything on your list (of course, it wouldn't be the same because I'm a woman.) XD  
DN-Lover - Without you showing me the list, this fic wouldn't be alive :O  
All my lovely reviewers  
And of course, my lovely readers (can you believe this has already been read over 100 times? AMAZING!) Thank you soo much

**A/N:** I'm supose to be working on LWL...But this is more fun XD. If the next chapter isn't up later today, it won't be until later on in the week.

Don't forget to Review! It is my muse! XD

* * *

**Rule Number Three**

**Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.**

"God damn it, where did I put it?!" Envy growled, and started pulling on his hair in deep frustration. The most favored sin tore his resting quarters apart looking for an item he would be in deep trouble if he didn't find in the next five minutes.

With one more mouthful of swears, he sighed and sat down on his bed. In the background, a munching noise could be heard, signaling one of his least favorite cousins was coming closer. "Gluttony, go away! I'm not in the mood to see your fat ass."

However, the loud chewing did not stop, giving Envy a painful headache. '_Where the hell did I put it?'_ he wondered, rubbing his forehead as he gritted his teeth._Why_ did Gluttony have to eat in _this_ room?! "Shouldn't you be off stalking Lust somewhere?!" he hissed, and stood up to face him. When he did, he let a gasp, and yet another swear.

There, halfway inside the always hungry man's mouth, was what Envy was looking for. Quickly, the green-haired sin dashed over and started pulling on the part that was outside the round sin's mouth. After a fourth toug, it seemed that the fat sin wasn't going to let go. "Damn it, Gluttony, if you do not spit my gun out of your mouth by the time I count to five, I will be forced to use Black Magic on you!"

"Black Magic?" First Lieutenant Lust asked as she stalked into the room.

"Yes..Black Magic...With the... blackness...and the...magicness..." Envy attempted to explain, but it seemed like it didn't work. Lust continued to give him a confused, lost look. "Look it up, you old hag!"

Lust frowned at the name, and her bright violet eyes narrowed. "I _know_ what it means, Envy! I just wonder how _you_ know how to use it!"

Her cousin gave a light shrug, and smiled a little. "World of Warcraft; you should play it at some point." Envy chuckled as the 'gifted' woman rolled her eyes and began to walk away, but came to an abrupt stop when he felt a finger poke him in the back. Glancing to the side, he spotted his commander and quickly frowned.

Roy held out a mop for the sin to take, and Envy quickly obeyed. "Do not threaten your comrade with Black Magic, Specialist Envy! Now go mop the cafeteria floor!"

"But...It's almost lunch..." Envy mumbled, pouting. The floors after lunch were always a mess, but they would probably be messier while he was trying to clean them as people were eating.

"Then I suggest you hurry!"


	4. Rule Five

**Disclaimers:** I do not own FMA, or these rules. I really wish I did...Edvy makes such a lovely yaoi pair..XD

**Thanks To:  
**Skippy - You're just too awesome XD  
All my lovely reviewers!! (LOVE YOU ALL)  
And of course, my lovely readers (can you believe this has already has 200 hits in less than 24 hours?! That's more than half of most of my fanfics!) Thank you soo much

**A/N:** I skipped Rule Four for now; I couldn't think of one. I'll probably come back to it later on, so keep a look out!

Don't forget to Review! It is my muse! XD

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**Rule Number Five**

**Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.**

"Hmm...I wonder..." the Specialist spoke to himself as he viewed himself in the mirror. His hands were raised in front of his chest, and he pretended to squeeze imaginary beasts.

After running into Lust the other day, and noticing the melons on her, Envy wondered what it would be like to have breasts. Of course, he was one to never care for the soft tissue of woman that fed growing babies, but one could wonder what they felt like.

Moving on from what it would feel like, his mind drifted to what size he would have if he had any. He could get ones the size of his cousin Lust...However, it could cause future back problems - Lust didn't seem to have any problems in that area, but she was tall and well-built for that sort of thing; she wasn't just called Lust for fun.

Maybe DD's weren't best for him - if that wasn't too small for his lusty cousin.

He could stick to slightly smaller ones; breasts that were still looked grope-able, yet great for battle. He frowned at the thought of fighting with boobs, and dropped his hands to his sides. Envy wondered if it hurt to be hit in the chest as a girl. When he was hit, it hurt just as any place - well not _any_; it hurt like hell when he was hit down...

Violet eyes glanced down at the area between his legs through the mirror, then back at his chest. If it hurt getting hit _there_, it had to hurt if a female got hit in the breast. '_Is that why male to male physical combat is preferred over male to female?_' he wondered.

With another 'hmm' of wonder, he ducked into the closest closet.

--

Edward scratched the back of his neck as he walked down the sleeping chamber's hallway. Envy was no where in sight, and he was - though he didn't want to admit it - missing his crazed friend.

Seeing as none of the sin's cousins were around, - when they were wanted, at least - he decided to ask Lust, who is almost always in her room. Without knocking, the Major walked right in. "Hey Lust? Did you happen...to see..." He tailed off, spotting the sin by the mirror with a bra on. "Envy what are you doing?"

"Trying to see what cup size I should get...?" said male explained. With a sly smile, he turned back to the mirror, checking out his reflection. "Oi, Edo! Do you like me with 'B' sized breasts, or..." he trailed off, and bent down to pick up a larger bra. "...A C/D cup size?"

Blushing madly, Edward shook his head to get rid of the naughty image he pictured the sin in. "W-Why?!"

Envy pouted and hugged the bra close. "Because I want to get breasts implants, and if you don't like the way they look - feel..._taste - _then I don't want our relationship ruined over a little plastic!"

"What relationship?" Ed piped, the blush fading quickly in confusion. "We're not-"

"Shh!" Envy hushed, hurrying to the golden solider and putting a finger to Edward's lips. "Speakest not, my love!"

Gold eyes turned annoyed as Edward pushed the finger away. "Envy, you're not allowed to get silicone breast implants!"

"Why not!?" lips pouted once more, and pale shoulders slumped.

"Because I-"

A slim eyebrow flicked up as Edward caught himself. "Because you what, O'Chibi-san?" Envy asked, taking a step closer to the boy as he smirked.

"N-No, nothing!" Ed stuttered, holding out a hand to stop the boy. "Just...Er..You're a _guy,_ - at least, I _hope_ so! - it'd be weird!"

"Oh..." disappointment filled the sin as he slumped once more. "Okay..But only 'cause you said so, Chibi-san!" With a chuckle, Envy stalked out of his cousin's dorm.

Edward sighed in relief as soon as the green-haired man was out of sight. _'That was close..'_ He though before leaving himself - not daring to think what would happen if Lust caught him in her room.


	5. Rule Eight

**Disclaimers:** I do not own FMA, or these rules. Do I really have to keep saying that?

**Thanks To:  
**Skippy - You're just too awesome XD  
All my lovely reviewers!! (LOVE YOU ALL)  
And of course, my lovely readers. Thank you all soo much!!

**A/N:** I skipped rules six and seven. Like I said, I might not do all 213, but I might come back and do them later. This might be the only one up for today; I found a new fanfiction site, with a great Edvy story. I've been reading it for the past three hours, and I'm not even half way done! Though I want to finish it, I decided that my readers are more important, and figured I should at least update once. -hearts-

Don't forget to Review! It is my muse! XD

**Rule Number Eight**

**Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.**

"Hey Envy, what cha doin'?" the seemingly sweet boy asked, placing his hands behind his back as he grinned up at his (second) favorite cousin.

Said sin glanced down at him before returning his attention to the bulletin board, where he was busy putting up posters. He was planning on ignoring him as he put a thumb-tack through another paper, but the boy gave a hard tug on his sleeve.

"Something that's none of your damned business, Wrath!" Envy, violet eyes glaring down at the curious purple ones as he swatted the small hand away. "What are you doing in the military, anyhow?! You're, like,...seven.."

Wrath immediately growled. "I'm eleven, you bastard!" He snapped, balling his hands into fists. His anger quickly disappeared to be replaced by a smirk. "Anyway, Mommy said I could!" The youngest of Envy's cousins giggled as the older sin growled in annoyance. "But you never answered my question! What are you doing?"

Deciding not to answer the boy, Envy put up the last flyer and grinned triumphantly. Brushing his hands together, he began walking off, satisfied with his accomplishment.

"Hey, don't ignore me! Bastard!" Wrath called after him. Purple eyes watched his cousin walk away angrily. With a low growl, he turned his attention to the bulletin board. Eyebrows raised before he smirked and tore off one of the many papers Envy had put him.

--

"Envy! What the hell is this?!"

Hearing his name being yelled, Envy stopped teasing Major Elric and turned. "What's what?" he asked, as if he didn't see the flyer an inch away from his face. Suddenly, a gloved finger was angrily pointed at the picture on the paper that was crudely taped over the original one. "Ohhh, _that_," he said as if noticing for the first time. "Well...I think it looks a lot like you, Colonel; doesn't it, Edo?"

Edward could only sigh and slap a hand to his head - his _human_ hand, of course.

As the paper went up in flames before his face, the sin couldn't help but smirk. "That's _not_ what I meant, Specialist!" Roy growled, and tried his best to resist setting his subordinate on fire. "What I want to know, is _why_ my face is taped over a War Criminal's body!"

Envy pouted, one of his common faces now-a-days. "Aw...I'm hurt, Colonel...What makes you so sure that _little o' me_ did it?"

"Because Second Lieutenant Wrath was kind enough to show me this one, as well as all the other ones." the man explained, and said boy walked out from behind him.

Envy immediately glared at his cousin, angery at him for squealing, but his eyes soon widened upon realizing Wrath's rank. "The hell?! How does _that_ brat have a higher rank than _me_?!"

"Like I said, _Mommy let me!_" Wrath let out a giggle as he dodged a kick from Envy. "Missed me! Heh, next time, don't ignore me! If you start acting nice, maybe I'll ask Mommy to boost your rank! But, seeing as you're nothing but a palm-tree Bastard, I doubt that will _ever_ happen!"

Edward let out a small giggle at this before Envy shot him a glare that shut him up.

Rolling up his uniform sleeves, Envy began to stalk over to the boy. "I'll get you for that, you Momma's Bo-"

"No, you wont," Roy cut in, grabbing the sin by the collar as he attempted to make a dash for Wrath. Said boy began walking backwards, sticking his tongue out at Envy before disappearing behind a corner. "You are not allowed to put pictures of fellow officers on War Criminal posters, got it?"

Envy muttered muffled words, but Roy let go of him.

"Now...I suggest you find a place to hide. First Lieutenant Lust is missing a few of her-" a cough, and a light smirk "- undergarments...For this little prank, I had the pleasure to tell her that you had them. She didn't look too happy."

Edward bit his lower lip in worry as Envy turned a sickly green color, and then hurry off. When he was out of sight, the Major turned to his commander, golden eyes narrowing as he already knew the truth. "...You took Lust's...things...again, didn't you?"

With a chuckle, Roy reached into his uniform shirt and pulled out a rather _large_ bra. "Ah..You know me too well.."


	6. Rule Ten

**Disclaimers:** I do not own these rules or FMA

**Thanks To:  
**Skippy - You're just too awesome XD  
All my lovely reviewers!! (LOVE YOU ALL)  
And of course, my lovely readers. Thank you all soo much!!

**A/N:** I skipped rule nine. If anyone wants me to do any number that I skip, please tell me. If enough ask, I will do that rule.

We're all going to die - or something bad will happen. I went to spell check this, and it had _no_ spelling mistakes. That _never _happends. DX.

If any of you are wondering why (or haven't noticed) I changed the rating, it's because of Envy's swearing, Roy's pervertedness, and that things might get...hmm...well, you'll just have to see! ;

I'm exactly half-way done with that awesome fanfic I spoke about. It had two (TWO!!) chapters consisting of nothing but Edvy yaoi (Edward and Envy having sex...It was beautiful). I suggest, when you read it, look up the song Animals by Nickelback, and put it on repeat. (That's what I did XD) Link To Awesome Fanfic: scimitarsmile. com /alchemy/ 01fiction/01ambrewl01.php?titleWaste Land&authorambre&list01ambre

Don't forget to Review! It is my muse! XD

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**Rule Number Ten**

**Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.**

Envy never liked the younger Elric boy.

He never liked the way the metal armor stood a good half of his body langth taller than him; how he was always so close to _his_ Chibi.

Especialy how those white, red-rimmed eyes never blank; for as soon as he started the stareing contest, he knew he had already lost. Though expecting a loss, he was more than pissed when Wrath jumped in between them, yelling loudly and making violet eyes go wide in surprise before blinking from the cold, chilly air of the room.

Alphonse Elric watched in mild amusment as Envy chased the boy around, yelling curses and death-threats. With a giggle, the armor stood up from his seat on a box. "Looks like I won, Specialist Envy! Great game, though."

The sin paused mid-chase and turned to growl at the movable tin can; ignoring Wrath's complain to tell Sloth. "You! _You_!" He sneered, and stomped his way over. "Stop giggling like the girl you are; this game isn't over yet! That _brat_ interuppted it! I demand a redo!"

If an armor could preform a sweat drop, Al thought he would at this point. "But...Specialist Envy...That was the _fourth_ redo today...I was planning on looking for Brother, now..." He trailed off, fingers pushed against themselfs nervously. He knew Envy had a nasty temper, and didn't want to be around to feel his wrath.

Violet eyes narrowed are he glared up into the red and white eyes of the younger Elric. He remained quiet until his eyes suddenly widened with a plan, and a sly smirk formed. "Say..Younger-Chibi-san," he started, reaching into his army coat to pull something out. When he found what he wanted, he took his hand out, wallet now in hand. "How much?"

The tin suit stared down at the sin in confusion. "W-What?" he asked, suddenly afraid. Was Envy asking for what he thoughts? Al had beifly heard the Colonel talk about woman who would accept money for intercourse. If he had his body - not that he wanted it at _this moment_, without knowing Envy's true intentions, sick or not. - he was sure a shiver would have ran down his back. "H-How much for what, E-Envy?"

Envy frowned, and stoped mid-way of fully pulling out his money. "And here I thought you were the _smarter_ Elric," he mumbled with a roll of his eyes. "Your soul, fool! What else would I be talking about?"

Al let out a sigh, or the noise of one. "Oh, _that_! Thank goodness, - well, not really - but I thought you...ment...something else..."

A thin eyebrow raised in slight confusion before the realization hit him.

Money.

Amount.

Two people.

"EW! No! At least, not with _you_!" Envy squealed disgustingly, shaking his hands and head in a quick motion.

Al didn't know if he should take that as relief, or an insult.

Soon, the sin stopped his spazing fit, (or, that's what it seemed to be from the younger Elric's point of view.) and gave a soft chuckle and muttered, "Though, I wouldn't mind doing it with your _brother_."

"What?"

Envy blushed slightly; did the Elric hear? "Uhm...," he fidgeted a little, trying to think of something to cover his mutter. "I wouldn't mind doing...it with... your... mother?"

_Shit! Shit! Shit!_ That sounded even _worse_!

"Uhm...Ew...," Alphonse mumbled, and backed away from the sin alittle. "That's...really...gross...and wrong!"

Envy frowned. "Glad we both think so," he muttered once more. With a sigh, he counted the money in his wallet. "Now, let's get back to buisness. How much are we talking?"

It was Al's turn to fidget, and he moved closer to the door, away from Envy. "No, stay away! First Lieutenant Lust and the Colonel were right, you _are_ a sicko!"

His bored expression changed to match his sudden rage. "What?! What did that old hag and man whore say about me?!" the sin asked, putting the money away as he advanced on the tin can, wanting answers.

"N-no!" the armor yelled, inching more towards the door. Al watched, frightened, as Envy continued closer to him. When he thought the sin was too close, he tore the door open and ran out. "HELP! Somebody! BROTHER!! He's trying to molest me!!" the younger Elric yelled as he ran down the hallway.

"WHA-!? I AM NOT!" Envy yelled back as he watched, startled and embaressed, as doors opened on either side and heads poked out. They looked in the direction Al did, before turning and glaring at him. Gudging from the looks on their faces, they weren't too happy to hear the boy's words, and he found that it was best if he went back inside the room.

--

"ENVY! YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!"

"NO!" Envy yelled back, pushing the door closed as Edward banged on the other side. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! THAT IDIOT BROTHER OF YOURS IS MAKING IT ALL UP!" After many minutes of yelling - due to the fact that automail increaced the volume of knocks - back and forth to eachother, the older Elric slowly gave up.

"Fine! Then just open the door!" Ed said with a sigh.

"No! You'll probably punch me or something!"

"I will if you don't open this door!" Edward listened closely to the sound of the handle being un-locked, and the door slowly opened. Before Envy could have a second through, the alchemist pushed his way through, almost making the sin topple over in surprise. He waited until Envy gained his balance before speaking. "What did you say to Al? He was practically in tears when he found me!"

"Obviously not; he can't cry."

A glare what shot, and Envy shut up. "You know what I mean!"

A light shrug. "I wanted to buy his soul..."

"His _what_?!"

"Soul. The thing that makes his armor move!"

"I know _that_, but _why_?"

With a light giggle, Envy punched the air with a grin. "So I can be the Ultimate Staring Champian!" His grin slowly faded as he saw the slightly disturbed look Edward was giving him. "What?"

"Did you just...giggle?"

"Pfft...--No."

With a roll of golden eyes, Ed gave up. "Okay, but don't try to purchase anyone else's soul - except, maybe Barry's."

"HEY!" someone shouted in the background.

"Sorry Barry! I didn't mean it!"

"SURE!"

"Anyway..." Envy said, returning his attention to Edward, and he gave a soft smile. "I won't, if that's what you really want."

Edward blushed lightly, but coughed and brushed past him - off to find his brother, or something.


	7. Rule Fourteen

**Disclaimer: **Don't own FMA or Skippy's List.

**Thanks To:** Everyone, because I love you all -hearts-. Thanks to everyone, this fic is almost at the 1,000 mark -grins proudly- Well, right now it's at 794 (it'll go up once I post this, I know), but that's pretty darn close...If you round it XD

**A/N**: Sorry for my absence. I had been posting daily, but recently, I have been busy. As most of you do not know, I am still in school until Monday (which I will have my last Final for this year), and I decided to study...for about ten minutes each. Then, my father decided to take my sister an I for about a week at his house. Sadly, he has no internet, which left me with playing Halo 2...again, and...studing...I think I'm begining to get sick, too...

Anyhow, I'd like to thank CreativebutLazy for being concerned about this story (or me, or both, I forget when the PM said XD) -hugs-

I had to skip a few more Rules...I wanted to do twelve and thirteen (I think those are them) but, as I found out, the Military is a Milita...I think. Tell me if I'm wrong. XD

One more thing, I promise. XD Since I'm getting out for Summer soon, I would _like_ -- hope and pray -- to finish some of my stories, or at least come close to. Expesh Comatose...

Don't forget to review!!

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**Rule Fourteen**

**Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Amestres.**

"Hi, Envy!" The favorite child giggled as he ran up to his older cousin. Sharp teeth bared in a grin, he continued to call the Sin's name until he responded.

"WHAT?! What do you want, you _brat_." Envy snarled, throwing the cards he had been fumbling with in order to ignore Wrath. They tumbled into the air, and glided to the floor quietly.

Wrath's big, deep purple eyes watched with his mouth ajar as the last one floated in front of him, but he made no attempt to catch it before it hit the ground. Both of the Sins stared at the card that now lay on the floor in silence.

Suddenly, Wrath sucked in a giant breath of air, making Envy jump in surprise. "52 PICK UP!" The child giggled, and scurried off out the door to find Sloth.

Growling loudly, Envy pushed himself off his desk and walked over to the door, not bothering to pick up the cards. He was going to get that little brat, if it was the last thing he did. However, before his hand even reached the handle, the door opened, hitting the Sin square in the nose. Envy pulled back quickly, his hands covering his nose -- which was likely to be bleeding from the impact.

"What the hell- you can't come barging into people's offices whenever the hell you want!" Envy growled, removing his hand to see the damage. Lucky, there was no blood.

"Oh yes, I can, and I will," Roy said matter-of-factly as he took his hands out of his pockets. "And get over the drama, Drama Queen, it's not even red.."

Violet eyes narrowed at his commander, but quickly darted to Edward and softened. "Edo! What brings you here?" He asked, making his way over to the smaller boy.

Edward blushed lightly as the Sin took hold of his arm. Golden eyes stared at Envy suspiciously as the he smiled. '_...Why is he smiling..?...Nothing good happens when he smiles..' _He thought, but shrugged in response to Envy's question. "...The President is coming; we came to tell you that you are to stay in your office while he is here."

"President?" Envy piped, a thin eyebrow raising. "Isn't that Bradley?"

"Uhm...No...We got a new one a few months ago..."

"Oh," pale shoulders slumped. Envy seemed the last to know everything, now-a-days. "Okay...Well...That doesn't explain why I have to stay in here.." He glanced at the young man to his right. "Unless...Is Edo staying with m-"

"No." Roy said sternly, cutting the Sin off. Onyx and violet narrowed at each other, and Edward could swear he could see sparks fly between them. "Major Elric has to keep the President company; special request."

"Special request my ass..," Envy muttered, letting go of Ed's arm.

"What was that Specialist Envy?"

"...You have a nice ass?"

"Really? I think so too.." Roy chuckled, and fixed his collar as he smirked.

Envy felt like gagging. "Anyway...Who is this Mr. President you two won't let me see?"

Edward and Roy exchanged concerned glances, and Envy knew right away that whoever it was, wasn't someone he wanted to see.

"Well, you see..." Ed started, trailing off as he tried to back out the door.

"...You...Know him..." Roy continued, following close behind the shorter man.

"...He wants to see you too..."

"But neither of us think that's such a good idea..."

"He's tall..."

"Weird...Old..."

"Hey! I didn't say you could criticize him! He's my-"

"That _bastard_?!" Envy screeched, pointing out the door, making the other two hold their hands to their ears.

When it was safe, they lowered their arms and turned to look behind them. There stood-

"Dad..." Edward said quietly, though it sounded more like a question. "I thought I asked you to stay in the room until we came to get you..."

Hoenhiem rubbed the back of his neck and let out a soft chuckle. "Well, this little boy came by, and he left before I could ask why he was here in the first place; this is a military base, is it not? Certainly not a place for a child."

Growling, Envy lunged for the immortal man, but before he was even in arm's reach, Edward pinned him down. The Sin yelled, cursed and attempted to punch the young man off, but it proved no use. "How could that _bastard_ be our _president_?!" Envy yelled once again, raspy voice breaking into a high pitch.

"Election?" Roy suggested with a shrug. "How does _anyone_ become president these days? I suppose anyone is better than Bush, though."

"Who?" The three others asked in unison, but then quickly frowned and avoided each other's glances.

"Gorge W. Bush? Current President of the United States..," Roy continued, but only received blank stares. "..The reason for such high gas prices...Somewhat Texas accent...A little..slow?" He frowned when he still got no indication that they were understanding what he was saying. "Apparently, you all are too..."

"What was that, Colonel Bastard?" Edward asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Nothing...Nothing.." With a slight wave of the hand, Roy turned around and lightly pushed President Hoenheim back to the office they were in earlier. "Now...where were we, Mr. President?"

Envy listened closely as their footsteps grew farther and farther. When they seemed faint enough, he let out a low growl. How dare they make _Hoenhiem_ president! Don't they realize that he'll just eventually _leave_ the entire country behind, too?

However, he suddenly remembered the weight he had on his stomach, and a smirk grew slowly. "Oi, Edo...Promising position, ne?"

"...Huh..?" Edward muttered stupidly, forgetting that he was still straddling Envy from before. Then, all at once, he seemed to remember and blushed heavily as his golden eyes trailed down the body of the homunculus below him. "Uh..Uh...I-It's not what you think!" he stuttered, blushing even more as he scurried off of Envy.

"Ne, it's not what _I_ think, I know," the Sin cooed as he sat up, and winked at Edward. "Hmm...Would _you_ like to know what _I_ think, Edo?" He asked, standing up and walking over to the flustered boy. "...Perhaps...Even _do_ what I think?"

Edward heard himself gulp loudly as he felt his pants tighten. Envy was practically breathing down his neck by now, reminding him how close they were. "...I...IthinkIhearAlcalling!" he muttered, voice high and fast as he lowered his head so his bangs covered his eye sight. "...Yup, that's definitely him! I have to hurry and see what he wants," Edward continued, ducking under Envy's arm to escape. "See you at lunch!!"

Envy watched Edward scurry off with a pout, and he twirled a strand of his hair between half-gloved fingers. He then closed his door with a sigh, and bent down to pick up the forgotten cards spread about on the floor.


	8. Rule Seventeen

**Disclaimers:** I do not own FMA, or Skippy's list. Also, this is a short Rule. Sorry for that.

**Thanks To:** Everyone, expesh my reviewers! You all are wonderful!

**A/N:** Kinda lost my muse while typing this one...Next ones will be better and longer, ne?

Also, I'm not a whole religious person myself, which tempted me not to do this Rule, but I ended up doing it anyhow.

* * *

**Rule Seventeen **

**God may not contradict any of my orders. **

"Envy, something is wrong with the wires in Colonel Mustang's office. The electricity is acting up," Edward mumbled as he walked into said Sin's office.

The green-haired Specialist glanced up at him from his spot behind his project, -- a neatly, four floor card stack -- then back down. "So? Since when did I care what's wrong with that man whore's office?"

The Major walked over to the Sin's desk and stood in front of it, watching in interest as Envy stacked on another row. "He wants you to fix it."

"Well, I can't; I'm busy."

"That will have to wait...Fuery is visiting his family, and everyone else is busy, with _real_ work. You're the only one. Mustang said it was an order."

With a light sigh, Envy closed his eyes and put down the cards. Gloved hands folded together and went silent. Violet eyes glance back up at Edward after a few seconds, a serious glint was clear in both of them. "Did you ever stop to think that God doesn't want me to fix the man whore's wires?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, O'chibi-san. Maybe God doesn't want me following orders anymore," the Sin continued, a smirk forming on his pale lips. "Maybe he wants me to quit the military, and perhaps go and raise a small family...Doesn't that sound nice, Edo?"

"..."

"A nice, big house on an open field. One like your old one, back in Resembool . You. Me. A few kids. I know men can't have kids, but maybe God will be kind enough to let me knock you u-"

"If anyone was going to get knocked up -- which isn't going to happen, because it is _impossible_ -- it would be _you,_ Envy."

Envy blinked slowly at Edward's quick input, then shrugged lightly. "Fair enough; either way I'd get laid."

Edward let out a snort. "Right. Keep telling yourself that...Since when have you been a follower of 'God', anyhow?"

"When you're stuck in a room with Scar and that Ishbalan woman for ten hours, I'd like to see how you turn out."

The Major raised an eyebrow, but nodded. "True, true...They both have a way of going on about religion. They should be those people who go door to door about religion..."

"Jehovah Witnesses?"

"Sure...Except Scar would probably just blow their heads off..." Golden eyes flashed to the clock hanging on one of the office walls. Edward lifted his real leg off the ground, and put his weight on the metal one. After a moments of watching Envy stack more cards, he switched legs.

Suddenly, it hit him. "...You were the one who messed with Mustang's wires, weren't you?"

"Possibly..," the Sin muttered with a sly smirk. "Only God knows."

"Cut the crap, Envy. Are you going to fix the wires, or not?"

"Nope."

"Colonel Bastard will not be happy with you..," Ed warned with a frown, returning his lifted leg to the floor.

"Like I said, God doesn't want me to fix any damn wires."

"Let's get things straight...There is no God--"

Envy dramatically gasped loudly in surprise, seeming to be taken aback from Edward's harsh words of what he called 'reality'.

"--and if there was, he -- or she; it, even -- has no say in your orders. You are to do -- and fully complete -- every mission you are given, even if it's something as small as fixing wires."

The Specialist put on his trademark pout as his card tower fell down. "Alright, Chibi-san. I'll go fix those damn wires..," he breathed with a sigh as he got up and walked over to the door. However, just as he went to open it, he turned around to look at Ed. "...Oi...About what I said earlier...How about it?"

It was Major's turn to smile slyly. "...I'll have to ask God if he approves."

"Heh, very funny, pipsqueak," Envy muttered with a roll of violet eyes before walking out the door.


	9. Rule Eighteen

**Disclaimers: **I do not own FMA, or Skippy's list.

**Thanks To:** Sin Of Regret - my bestist friend, Edo, and beta!  
My awesome reviewers! Expesh the ones that have been with me though each fanfic! I love you guys!  
My readers; thanks to you, this fic has over 1020 hits!! I wonder how long until it hits 2000?

**A/N: **Strawberrys -nods-

* * *

**Rule Eighteen**

**May no longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty.**

Envy wasn't one for bright, girly colors; however, he had to admit, pink did look stunning on him. The thought made him grin as he observed himself in his office mirror -- _why_ he had one in there, he did not know, but was glad for it.

Satisfied with his camouflage pink and green mini-skirt, as well as his pink and green camouflage top, he hurried out of the office.

--

Colonel Roy Mustang was surprised to find a note in his office that morning. It said 'Go to the cafeteria at 1 O'clock sharp!', and was on a bright pink sticky-note. He noted that a small, carefully drawn heart was next to it, as well.

He smirked.

_'A possible love note?'_ Roy thought as he glanced at the clock. Ten minutes until one, it read. _'An officer wants to meet with me and confess their love?'_ He stood up and began his way to the caf, taking his sweet time.

He arrived only minutes later, with a hand-full left to spare. However, as he walked through the double doors, he was surprised to see that the entire lunch-room was changed. The tables that were used for eating were lined up against each other.

There were also...curtains. "What the hell is going on here?" he mumbled to himself. The cafeteria looked like a stadium. If he counted all the chairs that were lined in rows, he was sure that there was enough to fit the entire military.

Sure enough, people started walking in. He was glad to see that they were as confused as he was. Seeing a familiar face, he quickly ran over. "Second Lieutenant Havoc! Do you have any clue what is going on?"

The blond frowned, lollipop-stick bouncing with the sudden movement. "No Sir, not a clue." Jean raised a hand to his chin and scratched thoughtfully. "We're all here because of a flyer someone posted in the break room. It said 'Best Show Ever; Come To The Caf. At 1 Sharp.'" He let out a small chuckle. "There was a heart at the end, and the handwriting looked female. I'm just hoping it's what I think it is."

Suddenly, the lights started to dim, and a voice came over the speakers. "Before we start the show, we would like for everyone to take a seat! That means you, too, Colonel Man Whore!"

Onyx eyes narrowed at the red curtain as the voice faded away with a giggle he was too familiar with. "Envy," he hissed, but took his seat. Just as he took his seat, he turned his head as he heard the sound of metal moving quickly. Frowning, he waved the younger Elric over. "What's wrong, Alphonse?"

"Uhm...I can't find Brother..." the moving tin can said nervously."He told me he was going to go to the bathroom, but he never came out. So, I went in, and he wasn't there!"

Concerned for the small Major, Roy went to stand, but froze as the curtains pulled away. As Greed walked out, -- dressed in an ever-so-green tux -- the Colonel motioned for Al to sit with him. "I'll help look for him after whatever Envy has planned."

The suit of armor nodded and sat down with child-like excitement. Sad to say, neither were surprised when Envy walked on stage dressed in a miniskirt.

Greed seemed to have a hard time concentrating as the Sin walked up to him, but said his lines as planned. "Hiya _Barbie_!"

"Hi _Ken_!" Envy giggled, placing his hands behind his back.

"Wanna go for a ride?"

"Sure, _Ken_!"

"Jump in!" Greed grinned as he and Envy moved to the center of the stage for the chorus. They were no sooner joined by Wrath and Edward, both wearing the same outfit as Envy; Edward in camouflage green and red, while the other wore camouflage green and purple.

Roy and Alphonse -- if armor could -- paled.

"B-Brother/Edward!?" They yelled in unison, but the loud music overpowered their voices. They continued to watch in horror -- at least, Al was -- as they sang through the chorus, dancing around Greed, who was supposedly Ken for this act.

As they finished the chorus, Edward walked over to the center of the stage, while the three others danced in the background. "I'm a blond, little girl, in the fantasy world. Dress me up, make it tight; I'm your dolly," he sang, and winked at the audience. However, it was then that he noticed his brother and Roy gawking at him. Blushing in embarrassment, he realized he didn't want to do this anymore, and he tried to escape, but his real hand was caught by Greed.

"You're my doll, rock'n'roll. Feel the glamour and pain. Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky," the Sin chuckled, squeezing as he refused to let Edward escape if he had to go through this, as well.

Wrath, giggling with all the fun he was having, took the next solo. "You can touch; you can play, if you say: 'I'm always yours'."

Edward shot Wrath a scared look, wondering how in the hell the kid could enjoy something as wicked as this. As Greed let go of his hand, he tried to make another escape. Much to his dismay, Envy grabbed him this time.

The Sin smirked and waved a finger in front of his face as Envy shook his head, as if to say: _"Nya, nya. You're not going anywhere."_ Edward was dragged back onto the stage, and was forced to do yet another chorus.

"Come on Barbie, let's go party!" Greed chuckled once more, seeing Edward's struggling.

"Ah-ah-ah, Yeah," Envy sang, pushing Edward between himself and Greed, but didn't let go of the boy's hand.

"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"

Edward shook his head and tried to loosen Envy grip, but sang his part. "Uu-oooh. Uu-oooh."

Greed then turned his attention to Wrath, who was dancing happily. "Come on Barbie, let's go party!"

"Ah-ah-ah, yeah!" the boy giggled.

"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"

"Uu-oooh! Uu-oooh!"

With a sly smirk, Envy took center stage. "Make me walk, make me talk; do whatever you please," the sin then blew a kiss to Roy, and snickered when the Colonel blushed. Envy then got on his knees and crawled to the edge of the stage. "I can act like a star; I can beg on my knees."

Roy felt his nose dripping and cursed Envy for his suggestive messages.

"Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again. Hit the town, fool around; let's go party!" Greed continued, walking up to Envy and helping him up.

"You can touch, you can play, if you say: 'I'm always yours'!"

"You can touch, you can play, if you say: 'I'm always yours'!" Wrath repeated, and they went through another chorus.

With skirts swooshing this way and that, the group went through the rest of the song, laughing and having fun. Well, all except for Edward, who continued to try to get away.

Alphonse felt Edward's pain, and was tempted to go help him, but as he went to stand up, Roy stopped him.

"The song's almost finished; it would probably be more embarrassing if he left while they were in the middle of it," Roy lied, but Al saw right through it.

"You just want to see Brother and Envy in a mini-skirt, don't you, Colonel?" he muttered, glowing eyes narrowing at the perverted man next to him.

Roy gasped dramatically and put a hand to his chest. "Why, Alphonse, what makes you think I would enjoy such a horrible thing!?"

"...You...Uh...Have some blood coming out of your noise..."

Blinking in confusion, he took the tissue the younger Elric held out for him, and wiped his nose. Sure enough, he had a nose bleed. He heard the boy sigh and chuckled nervously.

"No, it's fine, Colonel...I uh..," Al paused hesitantly, and twitted his metal fingers. "I think Brother looks cute in a skirt, too." If armors could blush, he was sure he would be by now.

"..."

"W-What?" the armor boy stuttered, surprised by the look he was getting.

"...That's just...wrong..." Roy mumbled before returning his attention.

Alphonse huffed, and folded his arms over his chest. "Oh? And I suppose the fact that you and Brother are a good decade or so years apart isn't wrong, either?"

"No, it isn't," the Colonel replied with a smirk. "Besides, RoyEd is more popular than Elricest."

"Pardon?"

Mustang opened his jacket and took out a book. Taking a glance at the cover, Al noticed it was 'Alchemist Weekly', the military's ever-so-popular magazine. "According to the polls, RoyEd is the most popular FMA yaoi-pairing, followed by Elricest, and Edvy."

"...What's yaoi?"

"It's what Edo does that he doesn't want you to know about, right O'Chibi-san?" Envy cooed as the group of four walked over to the two.

The show had ended while Roy and Al were arguing over which pairing was the best. For trying to escape so often, they had tied the golden boy up with a rope, -- that Envy was now holding onto -- leaving only Ed's legs untied so he could walk.

Edward gasped and his face flushed deeply. "Envy! You promised you wouldn't tell!" He yelled as he tried to get out of his restraints.

Said Sin smirked. "I promise a lot of things, O'Chibi-san. Like that time I said I'd use protection; I didn't."

"Brother!! How could you?!" Alphonse yelled, and started to run away.

"Al, wait! It's not what you think!! He's joking!!" Edward called after him.

"Oh really, Fullmetal?" Roy asked with a frown. Clearly, he wasn't too happy with the news, either. It meant that someone beat him to it; and that someone was Envy. "Then what _is_ it?"

Edward let out a sigh after he watched his brother run through the door. "Remember when we all went to the beach last year? Envy told us he had put sunscreen on, yet he still got burned."

"All over, too. I was pealing for weeks," Envy muttered with a gag. "It was pretty bad."

"And you _promised_ that you would use the lotion from now on, _right_?" Golden eyes narrowed at violet.

"Sure," the Sin shrugged.

It was at this point where Roy decided to point out the skirts. "I love...Those skirts..."

An awkward silence filled the now empty cafeteria, and Greed pointed out a passing tumbleweed.

Finally, Wrath spoke up. "Creep."

"Anyway," Roy said, bushing the boy's comment aside with the clearing of his throat. "I want no more of this...'Barbie Dance' anymore, comprende, Envy?" Onyx eyes opened to find that both Envy and Edward were gone. He turned around as their voices continued behind him, growing quieter as they neared the door.

"Let's go play, Edo!"

"No!"

"I don't see where you have a say in this, O'chibi-san; you're still tied up."

Roy could hear Edward growl, and a giggle from the Sin.

"But don't worry your tight _ass_ off. I'll make sure you're still a virgin when I finish."


	10. Rule Twenty

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Thanks To:** Everyone who reviews and reads! Love ya all!  
Google, because -- even with the crappy translations -- it did help me figure out the meanings for words in French.

**A/N: **Sorry for such a crappy Rule/Chapter; I lost my writing muse yesterday DX. It has yet to return to me. I miss it.

Another thing, sorry for the crappy French. Like I said, I had to use Google.

This fic, or any other, won't be updated until Sunday, at the least. I'm off to Fathers for three days.

* * *

**Rule Twenty**

**Must not taunt the French any more.**

"So.." Envy muttered, looking around as they marched the streets of Paris. "...Why are we here again?"

Golden eyes closed with a sigh. "The Colonel sent us on a top secret mission."

"Oh...What's the mission?"

"I'm afraid I cannot tell you; it's top secret," Edward muttered, not even bothering to look at the sin. It wasn't really a mission, per say. It was really something to get both of them away from the military base for a while. However, even the Major didn't know why they had to go to France.

"Aw...Can't you tell me, O'chibi-san?" Envy asked with a pout. "I won't tell anyone!"

A frown appeared on the boy's lips as his eyes narrowed. "Shall I retell of what you told Al the other day?" He asked, and finally looked back over at the Sin. "'_It's what Edo does that he doesn't want you knowing about, right, O'Chibi-san'_."

Envy shrugged lightly as Edward quoted him from last week. "Eh...He was bound to find out at some point; he is a growing...tin can...He _must_ wonder about those things."

"One would think, right? I mean, I myself was muh...muh..." The Major trailed off with a 'never mind' as he blushed.

"You were what, O'chibi-san?" the Sin cooed with a sly smile. "...Cuming in your sleep? Masturbating? Thinking about _naughty_ things? C'mon, you can tell _me_."

Edward shrugged Envy away as the Sin tried to wrap his around around the Major. "I can definitely not tell you!" He huffed. "You're probably the most untrustworthy one of us all."

"..."

Golden eyes widened as he looked over at Envy. 'Is he...Is he crying?!'

"That hurt, O'chibi-san," the sin sniffled dramatically, centuries of acting showing through. "That hurt right _here_..." Envy trailed off, and put a hand to where his heart would be, if he had one.

"I..I'm sorry, Envy..." Edward murmured as he tried to catch up with the homunculus, who was already walking away. "I..I didn't mean it.."

"..Really?" Envy asked, eyes wide with the puppy-eyes effect.

"..Yeah..." the Major muttered, and almost got the breath knocked out of him as the sin tackled him.

"Aw...I forgive you, O'chibi-san," the homunculus purred as he laid on top of Edward. Violet eyes glowed as two school-girls walked by, giggling at the sight of two boys on each other.

Edward flushed brightly, and pushed the sin off of him. Still blushing madly, he muttered, "Let's hurry and ask someone how to get to 'Maison de Pain Perdu'.."

Envy smirked and stood up quickly. "I'll go ask them over there."

"You know French?" the other asked with a raised eyebrow.

The Specialist shrugged. "A little."

Edward watched in mild amusement as Envy walked up to the small group of three guys, and one girl. At first, they seemed to have a peaceful conversation. The Major gasped, and his eyes widened as one of them -- the eldest, and male -- began to beat him up, while the twins stood back and laughed.

After a few minutes, Envy walked back over to him, hand at his abused cheek. He pulled the hand away and mumbled, "Well...that didn't go as planned..."

"What happened?!"

"I donno...I just asked where it was. They told me, and I said 'Voo-lay louvrè coo-shay avec mwah'."

"...What does that even mean?"

Envy gave a sly smile. "Before I tell you, you have to say yes."

"To what?"

"'Voo-lay louvrè coo-shay avec mwah'."

Edward eyed the sin, debating weither or not he should trust him. "...Yes, now te-"

"SCORE!" Envy cut him off, punching the air in excitement. "You just said you would sleep with me!!"

Instantly, the blush from before returned, and the Major felt his jaw drop. "That's not fair!" He yelled, outraged. "I didn't even know what it meant!"

"Well, you shouldn't have trusted me," the sin shrugged lightly. "C'mon, Edo. By now you should know everything that comes out of my mouth is sex-related."

Edward sighed, and rubbed his head with his real hand. Oh, he was so going to get Mustang for this; but for now he was more concerned for his virginity than anything. "..Let's just...go..." He mumbled, and let the homunculus guide him, since he was the one with the directions.

They arrived in front of a building no later.

"It smells like French toast..," Envy muttered, and was elbowed lightly in the side.

"Just because we're in France, doesn't mean that's all they eat!" Edward hissed quietly. "...Is that a waitress?"

A woman in her early twenties walked up to the both of them, smiling welcomely. "Envie et Edward. Table pour deux, juste?" She asked.

They shared a glance before nodding.

"Cette façon, plaire à," she told them, and walked away.

"O..kay..," Envy muttered, but followed the woman.

Edward looked around as they walked. Where were they? _'Everything looks like a...restaurant..?!' _As they neared a table, it hit him, and he gasped. He waited until they sat down to tell the Sin. "Envy!! Do you know where we are?!"

"Somewhere in France?"

Edward resisted the urge to hit him. "No, you idiot! We're in a _restaurant_! That bastard set us up on a _date_!"

Envy blinked slowly, taking the information in. Violet eyes glanced around the room before meeting back with golden ones. "Seriously?" He asked. "That's so nice of him, isn't it, O'chibi-san!? Maybe he isn't a bastard, after all."

The woman came back minutes after, and said something in French while handing them menus. After looking his over, Envy looked up at the woman. "Do you have any French toast?" When she shot him a confused look, he asked something else. "How about French fries? French bread?"

"Envy, stop taunting the French!" Edward sneered from behind his menu.

The Sin frowned. "I am not! This is _France_, right? They _have_ to have those things!"

"That's stereotyping..."

"Fine! I'll get spaghetti...And we can share! Just like in that movie, 'Lady and the Tramp'!" the homunculus let out a giggle as the Major blushed.

"..No.."

"Aw, why not?" Envy whined, and pouted once more as Edward chose to ignore him. "Fine, but either way, you're still sleeping with me tonight."

"No, I'm not."

"But you _promised_!!"

"'I lied'," it was Edward's turn to smirk as he once again quoted the Sin.


	11. Rule Twenty Eight

**Disclaimers**: Don't own these rules, nor do I own FMA

**Thanks To**: South Park, because it's so awesome.  
Everyone, because there's just too many of you to put here, otherwise I would! (Almost at 2000 hits! I love you guys X3)

**A/N: **I realize I've begun to get lazy. It's hot. People get lazy when they are hot. I just don't feel like doin' anything, ya know?  
Anyway. I've downloaded all the Secondhand Serenade songs (can you believe the group is made up of ONLY _one_ guy?! He's AMAZING!), and hope to write some one-shots to them in the near future. I'm also going to see him live on the 8th  
CTcon's in two weeks from today (August 1-3). Which means I'll be busy getting ready. If any of you are going, be sure to say 'Hi'! I'll be going as Envy, and I'll probably be around a lot of Edos...(doing the Party Boy behind them when they're not looking, of course XD)  
But, yeah. I'm sorry for the late updates and all...I'm thinking about re-writing We Are Your Family...Or just abandoning it. MI is...I donno. Chapter 4 is almost ready to be posted, but I've gotten writers block (at the most ADORABLE scene! DX). Should be up soon, though.

As for this story, I really wanted to do the 'We kicked you ass in WW2' (or whatever) Rule, but then I realized that Envy and the others are in the German military...my hopes were crushed

Edit: Yeah. Sorry for those who have this on your alert list. I was re-reading it and found a lot of things missing.

* * *

**Rule Twenty-Eight **

**Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).**

**Day One**

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Lazily, the blond boy reached over and hit the snooze button.

Only to have it ring five minutes later.

Blood-shot violet eyes snapped open, frantically looking around the small room he shared with a fellow Specialist. The room was small, and white -- Envy hated the color with a passion, but was told to deal with it. -- with four walls, and a small closet he also had to share.

After minutes of aggravation, his eyes landed on a small, black compact box that was screaming over and over again.

**Four**-_Thirty_ in the morning.

The time that everyone had to wake up. Well, technically not _everyone_. Specialist were at the bottom of the list -- treated the worst, with no given respect from anyone. They were treated poorly, and always given the dirtiest jobs -- or, at least, those were the jobs that Roy gave him. The higher-ranked soldiers must be up and dressed by five-thirty, a whole hour after them.

However, for the past _hour_, the circle had happened over, and over, again.

The alarm went off. His bunk-mate hit snooze. Five minutes later - no more, and no less than that - the alarm would ring again.

It wasn't one of those nice one either -- the ones that played your favorite song, or the kind where it turned on the radio. No, Envy didn't have that kind of luck. This one had a high-pitch noise that made your _ears_ bleed, and made dents in Alphonse's armor when he visited the room with his brother.

Growling, Envy threw off the pillow, succeeding in hitting the digital clock on the nightstand next to him. The Sin managed a small smile as he nuzzled back into his pillow. However, the smile was short lived as he noticed the small lump above him start to snore. _'He's _still_ sleeping!?' _he thought in horror.

Annoyed at the new noise, Envy raised his leg and kicked at the mattress. "Pretty boy, it's time to get up!" He called out, his voice like a song. Violet watched curiously as the mattress shifted as his roommate moved about, and faintly heard something about sleeping a little longer. With a roll of the eyes, Envy got off his bed and stood on the edge, peering over the poorly constricted metal guard rail.

Russell was sleeping peacefully, his back turned to the Sin as he hugged his stuffed-bear. Envy snickered as he watched the teen suck on his thumb.

_'What a wimp...' _the homunculus thought before slowly running a finger up and down Russell's back. Soon, the finger, and its siblings trailed, down and into the teen's pajama bottoms.

Almost instantly, the boy shot up, hitting his head on the ceiling in the progress. After muttering a streams of 'ow's, blue eyes glared down at the Sin rolling on the floor in laughter. "Very funny, Envy," he mumbled as he hopped down.

**  
Day Two **

Envy awoke the next day to the same screeching as the day before. Even after he stuffed his ears with cotton-balls -- something Greed suggested; but as it turns out, it only made him look like a fool. -- he could clearly hear the alarms cries of protest.

He glared at the lump above him, wondering how in the would the teen above him could sleep through something so damn _loud_! The noise made Envy want to rip his hair out, and he did just that. Until he realized it was pointless - the green locks grew right back after.

Instead of throwing something at the clock, the Sin picked it up, lifting it over his head and onto the pillow that Russell's head rested on. Then he watched.

Waited.

And finally frowning when the racket had no effect. The only thing it did manage to do, was make the teen mumble in his sleep.

Envy caught the words _'don't stop'_, _'feels _so _good'_, and Edward's name leave the blonde's lips.

And that was _it_.

Using his inhuman strength, he began shaking the bed; hard enough for it to rock violently back and forth, but not enough for it to tip over. No one had wet dreams about _his_ Chibi -- except for him, of course. After quite the shaking, Russell fell over the railing and onto the floor.

The blond awoke to Envy's face inches from his as the Sin squatted above him, their bodies so close that Russell could feel a ghostly touch of the other's body on his. He then noticed the fist that clenched a handful of his pajama shirt, pulling them even closer together. He watched as the Sin's mouth move, but couldn't catch what he was saying -- but he did notice how pissed off the homunculus looked.

Blushing furiously, the blond slid away and out from under him, suddenly wide-awake. "One of these days, I'm going to wake up to you raping me..," he muttered as he exited the room, face still red.

**Day Three  
(Midnight) **

Envy had woke up on the third day as he did the past two -- to the obnoxious noise of that damned alarm-clock. However, on this night, he had another plan.

The Sin waited until Russell had fallen asleep before slipping out of his bed and over to the nightstand. His mouth held a nasty grin as he flipped the box over, opening the lid on the bottom.

As quickly as possible, Envy pulled the small batteries out of the box with ease, and quickly crawled back into his bed.

He fell asleep quickly, a small smile on his lips knowing that he would wake up to a peaceful, and quiet morning, for once.

**Day Four **

Envy was up and ready before four-thirty. He quickly got dressed and headed to roll call.

As 6 O'clock rolled by, he wasn't surprised when he noticed the empty spot next to him -- Russell's place in line. In fact, he silently grinned to himself at the welcomed thought. Knowing his roommate, the blond was probably still fast asleep in their dorm.

Another non-surprising event was Roy stopping in front of him as the Colonel walked down the lines of his subordinates, Edward right behind him.

"Specialist Envy," Roy spit out - literally - as he stood stiffly in front of said Sin.

Envy wiped off the spray of spit from his face slowly, -- disgusted and angered -- but his lips still held the grin. "Can I help you, Child Molesting Alchemist?" he sneered, glaring up at him. "Hi Edo!" the Sin added, quickly smiling and waving at the shorter man before returning his attention to Roy.

Edward blushed lightly and turned away.

The Flame Alchemist raised a fist, as if to hit the Specialist, but slowly lowered it with the clearing of his throat. "Were is Specialist Tringham?"

Envy shrugged lightly.

Onyx eyes narrowed. "Aren't you his accountabilibuddy?"

"Ye-...I thought you said watching South Park wasn't allowed?!"

"For _you_. Moving on, you're his accountabilibuddy, and doesn't that mean you have to be with him at all times until Roll Call, correct?"

Another shrug of pale shoulders.

"So, I will ask once more," Roy mumbled, towering over the Sin. "Where. _Is_. Specialist. _Tringham_."

Envy's grin had faded into a scowl. "He's probably still sleeping. Dunno."

Eyebrows raised curiously. Roy could clearly remember how loud their alarm was, and knew that Russell was still sleeping. The alarm box was close to _impossible_ to shut off. Was it still going on as they spoke? "His alarm didn't wake him up?"

"I took the batteries out."

A -- rather loud -- slap to the forehead could be heard from behind Roy, most-likely from Major Elric not believing how idiotic the homunculus could be.

Colonel Mustang stared down at the Sin blankly. Took out the...? "You..._what_?"

"Am I speaking French? I said: 'I took the _batteries_ out!'" Envy sneered. "That damn thing has been driving me crazy _every_ morning for the past _three_ days! THREE DAYS! I had to shut it up."

Before Roy's temper got the best of him, Edward pushed him aside. "Envy, you can't go taking the batteries out of Russell's alarm clock..," he said with a sigh, rubbing his head.

"Why not? He doesn't get up at the right time, anyhow! The twerp gets up to only hit the snooze button! Then I have to hear that _damn_ ruckus every _fucking_ _five minutes_!" Envy said with a huff, folding his arms over his chest and looking away.

"That may be so, but it still doesn't make it right. Russell needs that to wake up, however a deep sleeper he is. Leave the batteries in, okay?"

The Sin gave his trade-mark pout, but gave in. "Alright, for you, O'chibi-san"

Edward flashed an award winning smile. "Thanks."


	12. Rule Twenty Nine

**Disclaimer: **Same as always, people.

**Thanks To:  
**IridiumGirl. She PMed me the other day, and told me that my fics are awesome. Although she only said six words, it had brightened my day.  
CreativebutLazy for also being so supportive.  
YukinoKara for leaving such wonderful/lovely reviews on every one of my stories!  
And everyone else for making this fic so sucessful. I love you all!!

**A/N:** CTcon is in two days (this weekend). I'm sooo excited, yet nervous. I will try to post the pictures on my profile on here, so watch out for them.

It took me a while to remember if FMA had any Irish people, or red-heads, for that matter. 'Tis a good thing I have the FMA games, or I wouldn't've been able to do this (well, I could, with Edo. But he doesn't look Irish. XP)

Also: We Are Your Family and Living With Lunatics are on hold for the moment. I'll get to them, eventurally.

Review please

* * *

**Rule Twenty-Nine**

**The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".**

It was breakfast time in the Military, and Specialist Envy was happily eating cereal with his favorite Chibi. Both were eating quietly; or as quiet as Edward could, with his wild eating habits.

However, as always, the Sin had to start negatively rambling about someone.

"That Colonel is a bastard," he mumbled, and Edward felt his eye twitch as a few 'Lucky Charms' fell out of the homunculus' mouth. "Telling me I couldn't watch Southpark, but everyone else can? Practically _stalking_ me everywhere. He probably watches me while I'm in the shower...What the hell is his problem?!"

"Tell me something I _don't _already know, En," the Major muttered back. "And please, chew with your mouth closed."

"_Russellhaswetdreamsofyouinhissleep_."

Envy's words were so fast that Edward choked on one of the Rainbow-shaped marshmallow. When he regained his composure, he stared at the Specialist sitting across from him, his eyes as wide as their bowls. "W-What?" he asked, frightened and curious with the few words he had heard.

"Nothing; just know that I have good reasons if Russell suddenly ends up with a broken neck, or _something_ missing," Envy hissed to himself quietly as he tried to catch a blue moon floating in his milk.

Golden eyes rolled as Edward took a gulp of his orange juice, wondering how Envy could stand the taste of that liquid saturated from a cow. Cereal was just as good -- if better -- plain than it was with milk. Why couldn't anyone see that?

"Leave the kid alone," he said as he placed his cup back down. He reached for a slice of toasted, buttered bread next. "You're overreacting to something that is none of your concern."

Envy stared blankly at the eldest Elric before his eyes narrowed angrily. "_Overreacting_?!" he sneered, standing up from the cafeteria benches, and slamming his hands down on the white table they ate one. "_'Oh Edward_..._F-Faster, harder_!_ Nnerrg_!-'"

"Envy..," the shorter man warned uneasily as his golden eyes traveled across the room. The Sin's outburst and mocking moans had caught the unwanted attention of many of their co-workers.

Edward found himself blushing deeply, but he didn't know if it was from the sudden stares, the quiet whispers, Envy's too real moans, or the fact that one of his closest friends were having sexual dreams about him.

None the less, Envy continued on.

Two girls in uniform walked by, giggling madly and pointing at them. Edward gave them a crooked smile as his blush increased. When they were out of sight, he slammed his real hand over Envy's mouth, stoping him from continuing.

Suddenly, he pulled his hand back, pouting before he glared at the smirking Sin. "You bit me!"

"Oh yes, I did," the Specialist admitted with a shrug. "Not in the places I _want_ to; but I did bite you." He watched as Edward stared at him blankly, before his eyes widened in sudden realization to his words. He snickered quietly. "Anyway, it is '_of my concern_',Edo. You are my Chibi-san. I should be the only one having wet dreams about you."

The blush from before returned, and Edward looked away. "Stop that! You're so perverted!" he said, folding his mix-matching arms onto his chest in frustration. "And I am _not_ 'your Chibi-san'."

Suddenly, Envy's smile turned wicked. "That's not what _you _said in your sleep, O'chibi-san."

"_YouwerespyingonmewhileIwasasleep_?!" Edward squeaked, voice straining from the sudden high-pitch. _'Oh no...He heard me...The means...'_ The Major paled at the thought as he tried to re-think of all the dreams he recently had, also remembering how Alphonse always teased him about his sleep-talking. Swallowing deeply, he stared at the homunculus, fiddling his mix-matched fingers under the table. "So...uh...you know?" He instantly hated how quiet his voice came out.

Violet eyes glanced over at the boy lazily. "Know what..?" he asked, twirling the metal spoon between his fingers. It took all he had to suppress the grin he wanted to wear.

Golden eyes shifted downwards, watching his hands as he fumbled to catch the right words. "Know...uh..About my dreams of...uhm..._us_?"

Needless to say, confusion wasn't the only emotion Edward felt as he watched a crazed grin fall upon his crushes' perfect lips. He watched silently as the Sin leaned over the table, closing the distance between them.

"Ah...those," Envy said, equally as quiet as Edward's voice had been seconds prior. "...I do _now_."

The Major's mouth opened and closed, proceeding to make him look like a fish out of water. Something inside of him snapped as Envy pulled away -- without the kiss he had been expecting, mind you.

"You...You _bastard_! You _tricked_ me!" Edward yelled, his face pink in pure anger. It was his turn to stand up and throw his hands onto the innocent table.

Envy didn't look amused, but eyes clearly showed it. "No, I didn't, Edo. I never said what I _heard_. All I said is that you don't mind being called Chibi-san in your _sleep_." He shrugged innocently, and soon went back to his cereal as Edward went on a rant on how he was 'such a bastard'.

"Uh...Is he alright?"

Violet eyes glanced up from his bowl boredly to meet with the red ones of a girl. He shrugged and glanced behind her, where an older man was smirking.

"What'd you do this time to get him so fired up, this time, Envy?" Second Lieutenant Breda asked as he and the girl in front of him turned their attention back to the squawking alchemist. It looked as though Edward was pulling out his hairs...He chuckled, and yelled over the teen's rant: "Hey, Ed, try and stop that; the last thing we need is another Armstrong!"

Without thinking, Edward spun around and glared at the three. He soon realized who they were, and the glare quickly disappeared. He felt a smile tug on his tanned lips at the sight of the girl in the middle. "Armony? What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in ages!"

Armony giggled as Edward pulled her into a friendly hug, and returned it gladly. "I was thinking about joining the military," she explained as they both pulled away.

"But before she was even assigned her dorm, she wanted to see you," Breda pointed out smugly, causing the girl to blush and elbow him in his round belly.

"_And_ _Al_, of course!" She added, glaring at the man before turning her attention back to her alchemy-teacher. "So, where's the big guy?" Armoney asked, red eyes glancing around the cafeteria.

The Major frowned and rubbed the back of his neck, just below the ponytail. "Ah...Al isn't here today; he's visiting out friend Winry in our home town. That green dress looks great on you, though." he teased lightly.

She blushed, and avoided her gaze. Her dress was a simple, lime green and white plad design. Nothing much. "Uh..Thanks. Dad brought it for me a while back, after you guys left." She pointed out, embarrassed.

Soon, the three had started a conversation, quickly forgetting about Breakfast being over, and a certain envious person.

Edward was the first to notice. "Oh! Armony, I'd like you to meet Specialist Envy," he said, quickly remembering the Sin, but also surprised to hear how quiet the homunculus had been. "Envy, this is Armony. She's - Envy?"

Edward cut off quickly, and all three of them stared at the Sin in concern.

The Specialist was still in the exact spot he had been when he first spotted the two, cat-like eyes widened in fright. His spoon was still half in his mouth, but whatever was on it wasn't there anymore.

"En?" Edward asked again, eyes filling with concern as he took a step in his direction.

It was Breda's turn to try. He stepped in front of the unblinking Sin, and waved a hand before violet eyes. "Yo, Env-"

The Lieutenant was cut off by the homunculus' sudden movement. Seconds after Breda had tried to grasp the attention of the silent inhuman, Envy jumped up from the table. His movements were so fast, that none of the others saw that the box of Lucky Charms was missing until Envy pointed it in their direction.

"Stay away, you two!" he hissed, eyes still wide.

The trio shared a look before Edward spoke up. "Envy, what are you-"

"_Edward_!" the Sin cut him off, beckoning him over with the tilt of his head.

The others absentmindedly thought he looked like a panicking bank robber who was going to take the shortest man as a hostage as a last resort.

Edward sighed and walked over to him; Envy never used his real name unless it was something important, or in his fantasies...But only he knew the second part. "What's wrong, Envy?" He asked for what seemed like the millionth time.

Violet eyes shot in the direction of the two red-heads before looking down at him. "_I told you_! But you didn't _listen_!" he hissed quietly, glancing once again at the other two nervously.

The Major frowned, still plainly confused. "En, I have no clue _what_ you are _talking about_!"

Envy's wide eyes narrowed, and he leaned in closer to the boy. "_I told you; they're after me frosted lucky charms_!" he whispered before pulling away.

Edward remained still for a moment, blinking slowly as his mind tried to figure out if he was joking or not. After searching the Sin's eyes, he found that the homunculus was indeed serious about this. Just as any time Envy did or said something ridiculously stupid, Edward slapped his forehead with a ragged sigh.

_'Really, I should be used to this by now,'_ Edward thought with the roll of his eyes. "_Envy_!" he hissed, glaring up at the Sin. "_No one_ is after your 'Lucky Charms'. Armony's not even _Irish_!"

"What about me?" said girl peeped up, jumping in the middle of them.

"She's wearing _green_, and has read hair, Edo. And is _short_!" Envy eyed the girl suspiciously, and mumbled, "You never know..." With that said, he began to walk away, box of Lucky Charms in his hand.

The three that was left behind stared after the homunculus in wonder. "What's his problem? Does he have some...crazed disease or something?" Armony asked, confused, yet slightly scared.

"Nah..He's just special," Breda explained, putting a hand on both of their heads and turning them in the direction of the closest exit. "C'mon, you two. Breakfast is over."


	13. Rule Thirty One

**Disclaimer: **Don't own FMA

**Thanks To: **All my lovely readers! I love you guys X3

**A/N: **This chapter is dedicated to Burakku's Shadow, because her birthday was last week, and I couldn't think of a B-Day fic for her in time :(  
Connecticon '08 was AMAZING! Pictures of my cosplay can be seen from the link on my profile :)  
I'm going to a Secondhand Serenade concert tonight!! I'm sooo excited!  
BTW. I encurage people to join myself and many other Edvy fans in the Edvy forum on here under 'Yaoi Pairings' in the FMA forums! We're pretty random and friendly! The more the marrier!  
Also, I finished playing Portal the other day. It was amazing (and kinda creepy o.o)...THE CAKE IS A LIE! DX

* * *

**Rule Thirty One**

Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

Major Edward Elric stormed down the dorm hallways angrily. Something wet and...wrinkly was held far in front of him with his metal arm. He did not know what it _was_, nor did he _care_ what it was!

All he knew, was that Envy was in major trouble.

Without even bothering to knock, Edward opened the door to the room the Specialist shared with Russell. His mouth was opened as if he was going to say something, but the sight in front of him made him stop dead.

"Oi, Russell! Get over here so I could rape that tight ass of yours!"

"It wouldn't be rape, because I _want_ you, Envy! _You,_ and not that _short_, _pathetic _Elric!"

Edward felt his right eyebrow twitch disturbingly as moans and grunts filled the small, white room. He watched as Envy's body rocked back and forth with the movements, and wondered if he should leave quietly and pretend this never happened, or stop this insane behaviour.

In all the surprise, he almost forgot about the slimy...thing in his metal hand.

"...Nngh! You're _s-so_much b-better than Edw-ward, E-Envy..."

Envy snickered, and Ed didn't have to see his face to know that he was smirking. "Of course I am! That pipsqueak has _nothing_ compared to me!"

"...Uhg...H-Harder, dammit!"

"I'm getting there! Just spread those legs like the uke you a--!"

"Envy..," Edward's questioning voice cut him off, leaning on the door frame. His arms were folded over his chest, and his bright golden eyes held a look of worry. "...What are you doing...?"

The Sin froze at the new voice in the room, and he felt his face flush in embaressment. "Err...You see..," he trailed off, standing up slowly as he rubbed the back of his head.

Ignoring him for the time being, golden eyes trailed down Envy's body, to the wooden floor. An eyebrow was raised when he spotted two puppets on each other...If that wasn't strange enough, both of them looked a lot like the two who slept in this room. His gaze traveled around the room until they landed on a gold and tan puppet on the Sin's bed, face-down in the pillow, with one that looked like a human version of his brother next to it.

Furrowing his eyebrows, the Major walked over to the bed and sat on it after dropping the wet, undistinguishable item on the floor carelessly. After examining the two, gold met with violet. "Do I want to know...?"

"Elricest," the other said bluntly.

Ed stared blankly at him for a moment. Suddenly, his face flushed as the word finally sunk in, and he glared at his half-brother. "You're sick!"

"But that's why you love me!" Envy cooed, sitting on the bed next to the Elric. "Isn't it? Besides, they're only puppets...We _could_do the rea-"

"No."

Pouting, Envy took his hand off of Edward's leg and shrugged. Standing back up, he walked over and began putting the puppets back into a chest -- one that Ed had only just took note of. "Well, if you're not here for sex, I'm guessing you came here to lecture me again...?"

"Correct," the other shorter male said, bending down to pick the glob of wetness off the floor. Ignoring the wolf whistle, he held it in front of the Sin. "...What _is_ this?"

"That, my Chibi, is Roy." Envy raised a hand to scratch his chin in thought. The sock puppet looked nothing like the Mustang puppet he had created earlier in the week. Actually, it was kinda yellow..."At least, it _was_ Roy."

"So you do know what it is?"

"Yes."

"...Then you know how it got in the men's bathroom toilet?"

"You put it there."

There was a long pause, and Edward dropped the rag on the floor. Folding his arms over his chest once again, he gave Envy a long, amused but curious, look. "Let me get this straight. _I_ put that..._thing_--"

"--Hand crafted puppet--."

Another look, then the roll of the eyes with a sigh. "..._I_ put this _'hand crafted sock puppet' _into the men's toilet to clog the water system?"

Envy gave the Major a long, disgusted look. "...Why would you even do that? That's gross..."

"Envy!" Edward yelled, hands fisted at his sides in anger. "You _know _I didn't!"

"But you _did_!" the Specialist said with a pout, and it was his turn to fold his arms over his chest. Thinking quickly, he walked back over to the bed and picked up the puppet that looked like a -- naked -- Edward. "You -- _this you_ -- threw Mustang -- _that Mustang_ -- into the toilet, because he didn't approve of our relationship!"

"What _relationship,_Envy?!" Edward huffed, throwing his arms in front of him to enhance the words' meanings. "You're always going on about a 'relationship'; wither it be ours, Al's and mine, Russell and mine or anyone else! That time we went to France for a 'mission' but it was really a date? That meant _nothing_. I don't even know _why_ I like you, you're nothing but a perverted bastard who does nothing but dives me _cr-_!"

Edward stopped his rant as he noticed how slowly Envy was cleaning up his room. "Envy..?" He bit the bottom of his lip when he received no response from the Sin. '_Shit...I screwed up._' With a silent sigh, the Major walked over and placed a hand on the Specialist's shoulder, frowning when the homunculus flinched under his touch.

"Look, En'...I'm sorry, I didn't mean that...You know that, right? I'm just tired of all this working, and how Mustang keeps ordering everyone to do things _he_ should be doing, that my emotions got the best of me."

Edward's shoulders sagged in worry as Envy shrugged away his hand, and he realized that apologizing wouldn't be enough this time. "Uhm...Envy?" He asked again, face begining to blush at the thought. "...Listen...How about we...uh...Go somewhere? Just you and me..." Ed trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he watched Envy's back.

Said Sin smirked, knowing Edward couldn't see it, but that faded quickly and was replaced by an emotionless face as he turned around to face the Major. "...Are you asking me on a date, pipsqueak?" He asked, the excitement in his voice perfectly masked.

Edward felt his face flush even more, and he looked down at his shoes. "...Look, I don't have to go anywhere with yo-"

"Of course I'll go!" Envy cut him off, bringing the shorter male into a tight embrace. "Tomorrow at five sound good to you?" He asked as he began pushing the alchemist out of his room. "We'll go see a movie, and have dinner at a fancy restaurant!"

"Wait! Why do you get to cho--?!"

"Good! See you then!"

-Later-

"And that is how I got Edward Elric to ask me, Envy, out!"

Roy and Russell shared a look of surprise before looking back at the Sin in wonder.

"Wow...I never thought I'd live the day to hear that..," Roy mumbled.

"That's cheating, though..." Russell grumbled. "You tricked him into it."

"No, I never said you couldn't trick him," Envy explained, waging a finger in their direction. "Now, cough up the money!"

Two pairs of eyes rolled as Roy and Russell took out their wallets.

They should know better than to bet _against_ Envy. Especially when it came to who would get asked out by Edward first.

"Oh, and Envy," Roy spoke up before handing over his money. "You're not allowed to blame your puppets for your stupidity."


	14. Rule Thirty Three

**Disclaimer: **I do not own FMA (no real surprise there)

**A/N: **This is the result of me being so bored. I was also so bored that I started working on Jealous Much? as well. (-insert gasps/yays/ect here-)

This is so short because it was part of the next chapter, but then got off subject, so I had to cut the two.

* * *

**Rule Thirty Three**

Not Allowed To Chew Gum At Formation Unless I Brought Enough For Everybody

Golden eyes scanned the field before them. General Edward Elric marked down who was at formation and who was not as he stood next to Colonel Roy Mustang. There were seven rows before him, where military men stood straight and seriously.

Well...Most of them.

In the fourth row stood the loud-mouthed, back-sassing, perverted Specialist Envy. Next to him was his roommate - or 'buttbuddy', as he was often referred to by the Sin, but the blond always denied such silly games - Specialist Russel Tringham.

Blue eyes glared angrily at Envy's girlie face for what seemed like hours as the Sin blew yet another bubble. His glares were non-effective, and Russel decided to take the physical approach.

His idea came to him as Roy and Edward were walking up and down the isles of soldiers. They were doing the same rutine that had always done longer than he could remember: march up to every military personal, make sure that their uniforms are correctly put on neatly, and so forth.

Envy was on his ninth bubble as Roy walked over to them.

The Colonel stopped in front of the Sin, and his eyes narrowed. "Specialist Envy," he mumbled sternly.

The bubble the Sin was blowing popped, and he put it back inside his mouth. "Colonel Molesting Roy Mustang," Envy replied, equally as stern.

"What is it that you have there?"

"What does it lo-" he was elbowed in the side by the Major, "It's gum."

"Since when have you started chewing gum?"

"I'm trying to fight off my addiction. It helps to chew gum."

"What addiction?"

"My sex addiction," Envy said, face a complete mask of calm.

Roy stared blankly at him.

Edward looked heartbroken.

Russell was disgusted. '_...Well...At least I will be able to sleep now..._'

"I don't care. You know the rules about gum, Specialist Envy. Spit it out," Roy scolded after a few minutes.

The Sin shrugged. "Apparently I do not. Would you care to explain them?"

Edward stepped in front of the Colonel and looked up at his favorite homunculus. "Envy, you are not allowed to crew gum at Formation."

"What if I brought enough for everybody?"

"Well...Seeing as there's over fifty people at Formation, and the possibility of you having enough for everyone is very slim, I guess it would be alright.

Envy smirked, and left with a plan as soon as Formation was over.

However, Russell left frustrated. His plan was not fulfilled. '_There's always next time._' He thought as he got straight to work - or, in this case, watching Southpark.


	15. Rule Thirty Four

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Skippy's List or FMA...

**A/N:** I swear to drunk I not God I was when this wrote. -nods-

* * *

**Rule Thirty Four**

(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

The next day, Envy _did_ bring enough gum for everyone.

Edward wasn't surprised at the least. The Specialist was amazing when it came to doing the impossible, and he, none the less, always kept his word.

Now, the Major and Colonel walked down the lines of Formation once again. Roy was not pleased at the fact that the amount of loud chewing and bubbling popping had increased 100 folds, but he dealt with it quietly, chewing his own piece of gum as he and Edward checked in the military men.

Russell was not a happy fellow. It was bad enough that Envy was blowing bubbles with is gum yesterday, but now just about every other person in Formation was, too!

The Sin was going to get it for this.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Russell spotted Roy walking towards them by the second, and the blond smirked.

It was then that the Sin was pushed by Russel in the direction of the oncoming man, his gum bubble in its largest form.

Edward gasped as everything went in slow motion, and quickly ran - as fast as one could run while pretending to be in slow motion - over to the falling Envy. " Eeeeeennnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvyyyyyyyy!" He cried out, lunging towards the falling homunculus.

Roy - a man who normally knew everything that was going on - stood there, baffled by the fact that the two teens in front of him were stuck in some sort of Matrix movie, while he and the other men around him were free to move normally.

As Envy inched closer to him by the minute, he blank several times before mumbling, "What the hell is going on?"

Five minutes later, everyone was still stuck in the same weird actions, except now Envy was only two feet away from Roy, and Edward was a foot off the ground.

Without a word, the dark haird man took a step to the left, and everything suddenly changed. The half-brothers seemed to lose their 'Matrix Ability'. Envy went sprawling head first into the grassy feild; while Edward managed to somehow crash into Russell, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

Edward groaned and started getting up - only to come face to face with a blushing Russell. Gold eyes stared blankly into blue, and suddenly he remembered what Envy had told him days prior.

"_Russellhaswetdreamsofyouinhissleep."_

With a loud 'eep', Ed hopped off of the younger teen, picking his clip board off the ground as he did so. "Ah," he muttered, rubbing underneath his pony-tail. "I'm sorry, Specialist Tringham."

Russell looked off to the side, embarrassed. "No, no. It's not your fault, Ed." None the less, he was still surprised with the shorter teen held out a hand for him to take. With Ed's help, Russell stood back up and glared at the Sin whose cause was this all.

Envy looked - for once - scared shitless. The Sin seemed so frightened over something that Russell could no long get angry at him. The Specialist decided to follow where his fellow ranked man was looking, and his mouth opened.

"We're so dead, man."

While Roy was busy dusting the dirt off his uniform, Edward walked over to the two standing speechless. Of al the years Ed had known them, he never saw either of them look so terrified, more so Envy than Russell.

"Envy? Russell? What are you guys doing?" He asked, worry clear in his eyes. For the first time, he noticed that Envy was no longer chewing his gum. "Hey, En? Russell? Where's your gum?" For a moment, the Major remembered he was no longer chewing on his gum. "Hm...For that matter, where is mine?"

Wordlessly, Envy raised a hand and pointed in the direction of Roy.

The Colonel's back was facing the trio as he yelled at two other military men who were fooling around with their gum. Nothing looked wrong - at first. His uniform was blue and clean as always. His voice was still the same old smart-ass tone.

Edward didn't get what they were pointing too.

Suddenly, there was a loud gasp.

The intake of air had drawn the attention of said Colonel, and Edward's mouth was quickly covered by two shaking hands - Envy's and Russell's.

Roy turned to look at them, eyebrows raising as he noticed their wide eyes. "What?" He asked as they continued to stare at him.

It was dead silent for what seemed like minutes before Edward let out a whine and pried off the hands over his mouth.

"Er...Roy?"

".....Yes....?"

"....Uh..." Ed suddenly lost his confidence and stepped back.

Onyx eyes narrowed and his hands turned into fists. "Would someone please tell me what the hell is going o-!"

"HMMMM...," Envy hummed loudly, taking a step back. "I think I hear Lust calling...YUP! That's definitively her! See you later!" With a wave, Envy sprinted in the other direction.

"Er...I have to follow him! To - uh - you know! Find Al, or something!" Edward muttered quickly before following the Sin at top speed.

Russell began to sneak away while Roy was distracted, but luck was not with him.

"Specialist Russell! Where do you think you're going?"

Said Specialist flinched at his name, and turned slowly back to Roy. "Uhm...To clean.......the bathrooms?" Truthfully, he would rather do that than stand here and watch Roy realize what had happened.

"I don't think so."

"Oh - I think so."

"Excuse me?!"

"You're excused," Russell mumbled with a bowed head. He couldn't look at Roy, it was too funny - hell, it was pretty fucking amazing that they had landed there. Though he could tell none of them were going to make it out alive for very long.

"Specialist Russell Tringham, I want you to wipe that smirk off your face and tell me every damn thing you find funny."

"Ah..," the other muttered, rubbing the back of his head. He took a step back and mumbled, "So...Do you remember how Envy and Edward went all...'Matrix'...Yeah...During that, the three of us had lost our gum...And well, we found it now."

"Oh?" That was all they were panicking about? Losing their gum and finding out where they had landed? '_That's nothing...But why were they so afraid of me?_' "Is that all? Where did it land?"

By now, Russell had backed up a good ten feet. "Check...Uh...Go look in a mirror, kay?"

Roy turned to the other military members, and called over one of the female Specialists. He asked if she had a mirror on her, and she nodded her head shakily.

He raised an eyebrow at her haste actions, and turned to look back at Russell, only to find that the boy was no longer there. It was a good thing, too, that the teenager was no longer around, as well as the other two; because as soon as Roy saw a big, pink blob in his hair, he was _not_ happy.

-Somewhere on Campus-

Envy quickly took hold of the nearest object in his hiding room to keep from falling as the ground shook around him. "And earthquake?" He asked out loud as it ended.

"No," Edward mumbled walking up behind him.

Russell was next to appear. He closed and locked the door behind them. "Roy just found out that our gum landed in his hair. Lets just say we have hiding to do for a very long ti-."

Suddenly, the door was burned off its hinges.

Someone let out a _very _girly scream.

And the next thing Envy knew, he was being held a good four feet off the ground by a very angry looking....Mustang!?

Envy smirked despite his predicament. "Nice hair, Colonel."

Onyx eyes narrowed dangerously, and Envy gulped, wishing he could take those words back. On three places on his head, Roy Mustang was missing patches of hair from where the gum landed.

"_Fuck you_, Envy! You are no longer allowed to chew gum at formation even if you _did_ bring enough for everyone!" Roy sneered, and threw the Sin into Russell.

The poor Tringham was left wondering, '_Why do people have the earge to throw themselves or others at me?_'


End file.
